Blair Witch Survival: Salt, Maps & Bad Decisions

[00:00:00] Since we've experienced the worst planned documentary trip in film history, we're drafting everything we need to survive the Black Hills. We'll also decide when to drop the camera, rank the group's worst decisions, and stock the blockbuster shelves with movies that make us stay out of the woods.

[00:00:17] This is the No More Late Fees Podcast. I'm Jackie. And I'm Danielle. And we're just two best friends and former blockbuster employees rewatching some of the best and worst movies of the late 90s and early 2000s. This week we're welcoming back Johnny, Jackie's brother.

[00:00:47] Back as we prepare for the Blair Witch Project with... Would we keep filming or drop the camera? It's gonna be a fun game. Welcome back. Hey Johnny! Hey guys, thank y'all. I'm happy to be back. Yes. Now it's a tradition. Spooky season with Johnny. Oh man, I love spooky season. I have a spooky rug on my wall and everything. Nice. I'm getting in the mood.

[00:01:16] So what you been up to Johnny? Oh, you know, getting into the Halloween spirit, watching scary movies and other things. I just finished Resident Evil, the game, the one from 1998 or 2002. One of the original ones. You didn't watch the new one, Johnny? It was a video game. I did. How did you... So yes to both. Yes. The game and I watched the new one. I freaking loved it. Right, Johnny? It was so good. But were you scared?

[00:01:45] Like I was scared? Uh, so the first... The first third part of the movie, that was like the scariest. Just cause of like the jump scares and the creepiness aspect of it. A lot of people were saying that it kind of went off the rails during the second and third acts. With the comedic timing and everything like that. I forget. I loved... I love a good comedy horror with blood and guts. So it was right up my alley. I loved it. I think you can't cast like Austin Abrams.

[00:02:15] I always find him to be like pretty quirky and like... He's got really good comedic timing. Yeah. He did really good. So yeah. I... I don't think I've ever seen him before either. So that was a cool first introduction to him. Trying to think. You've probably seen him more than you think. Oh, he was in Weapons. You watched that. I did watch Weapons. Who was he in Weapons? And he was in Euphoria the first season. He was in...

[00:02:44] Well, I don't think you watched it, but there's a Christmas TV show that I really like on Netflix that he was in. Is it Dash and Lily? Yes. I very much like that one. And then he was also in another Netflix movie where he played like the popular guy and it was... Do Revenge. Yes. Yeah. He was in that. And he's going to be in a lot of movies, I think, in the upcoming year. Cool. So...

[00:03:11] Oh, he plays... I saw a preview for this and I was like, where are we as a society? Oh, okay. It is called Whale Fall. Oh, yes. And the whole movie takes place inside a sperm whale. Yeah. Okay. He gets swallowed inside a sperm whale along with a giant squid. It looks like a sperm whale. I'm sure it's much bigger.

[00:03:38] It's like the megalodon of whales, but it also swallows a squid. So he's fighting a squid inside the whale and he's running out of oxygen and it keeps going to be like, you know, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it is the most ridiculous premise and it's going to be in 40K. That's so freaking funny. I see.

[00:04:04] I saw people, our friends from every movie ever. I saw that they went, they got invited to go see it and a van screening and it made it seem like they really liked it. So really? Yeah. I don't know. I'm like, this is what we're doing. It's like, it's just a rip off of Pinocchio. It really is. Well, speaking of movies, Johnny, you mentioned Resident Evil.

[00:04:34] What else have you watched recently? Good question. You have been on an epic adventure. Yeah, for sure. Lord of the Rings track over here. Oh. So I saw Lord of the Rings, the trilogy and the theaters when it came out, bawled my eyes out every single movie. It was, I was a blubbering mess, but yeah, I'm making Jackie watch, watch it. Actually, Jackie watched the second one. Her and Ken came over. I was in the room. The two towers. Yeah. Yeah. Jackie was in the room. Yes.

[00:05:04] I used to watch it like almost every, like right before holiday. I don't know, like the Thanksgiving time. I haven't watched it in a while. It is really good. Yeah. It really, I kind of, I don't know if I feel the same about everything else, the extended universe, but the first three really can't be beat. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. As much as I love Lord of the Rings, the hot, I recently watched The Hobbit in its entirety

[00:05:30] and you know, I couldn't, it just wasn't, it didn't hit, hit the same way as Lord of the Rings, unfortunately. But what about, do you watch Rings of Power? Mm-mm. I tried that one too. Couldn't get into it. I was like, man, elves need long hair. What's with all these short haired people? I don't know. And then like, I was really turned off by like the fan base being really mad that there were black elves and black characters. And I'm just like, none of this is real. Mm-hmm.

[00:06:00] Fictional characters. Exactly. So like, what are we talking about? Exactly. Yeah. That was. Like, imagine how racist you are. That you just don't want to see black people at all. Even in your fantasy. Yeah. Crazy. So I was like, yeah, nah, fuck them. Fuck Star Wars. Fuck all these things. Cause like, I can't, I can't just enjoy it. Yeah. Anything else you're watching? That's it? No. Yeah.

[00:06:30] That's, that's pretty much it. I was. I mean, that's a lot. So. I've been devoting my time to the Resident Evil game. The past like week or two. So. That's all I got. How about you, Jackie? Watched a couple of things. I watched the love hypothesis. Based on the book. Did you like it? I did. I really enjoyed the book. I read the book a couple of years ago. And then I, it was just good fun. It was a cute little romantic comedy.

[00:06:59] Ken really enjoyed it. I thought I saw some discourse about the, the chemistry of the two leads. But if you don't read the book, you don't get as much insight as like how reserved Adam is. Yeah. How standoffish he is. So I think the chemistry was there. So. I think they had really good chemistry. But once I started hearing people about the book, like the fact that he liked her always. I would have liked to see that, that, you know, I love, I'm a yearning girl. So.

[00:07:29] I, I, yeah, I, I just don't know if there was a good way to visually. Show it. Show it. Show it. Because it was very, it was pretty true to the book. Hmm. I know there was discourse because the best friend character, she's supposed to be Vietnamese in the book, but they made her Filipino, but then still kept some of the Vietnamese stuff in it. So like what kind of got fucked up and people were like, it would have been really, if you

[00:07:56] wanted to include both, it would have been easier to make her half or something. Yeah. So it's just kind of like what we talk about a lot, diversity without really thinking it through. Right. You know, like, so you feel like you checked the box because, okay, I, the characters Asian like in the book, but not like understanding the different ethnicities of it all. So that was like the only discourse I was really seeing. And then I love that.

[00:08:24] So Ali Hazelwood, the author wrote the book essentially as Raylo fan fiction. Yeah. I knew you wouldn't like that. And he's married to Daisy Ridley. So I like that little kind of connection there, but yeah, it was a very sweet movie. I really enjoyed it. I enjoy all her books. She writes about women in STEM. So check her out. Check out the love hypothesis on prime right now.

[00:08:53] And then two nights ago, Ken and I watched masters of the universe. Wow. Let me tell you. It was, it was a fun watch. Like we weren't mad at it. It was, it's self-aware. So it's poking fun of it at itself the whole time. Very nostalgic and just like fun.

[00:09:18] It's I equate it to the dungeon and dungeons and dragons that came out a few years ago with Chris Pine. It doesn't take itself too seriously. Like, it's just, it's just fun. Yeah. Like it was just lighthearted and not like Adam's this goofy kid. And it's like, Oh, like he's supposed to be he man, but he's really just a dweeb. And so we really enjoyed it. And then afterwards I started playing home movies when I got all my She-Ra dolls for my fifth birthday.

[00:09:48] So then we sat and watched home movies of me playing with my She-Ra princess of power with my She-Ra themed birthday. So that was fun. Was I in it or was I not alive yet? No, you weren't there yet. All right. Cause what was that? You said fifth birthday? Fifth birthday. Yeah. You were just floating in the ether ready to be born. Yes. That's all.

[00:10:07] Well, I am watching a lot of stuff, but I'm also reading because we got this wonderful book from the writer, John Baker, who actually is a podcaster for all the right movies. And they put together a collection of just like the hard research that they put together of different movies from all different timeframes that look like really cool, fun facts.

[00:10:37] You can see some of the pictures. It's really, really cool. There's interviews with different people who worked on the movies. So you have an interview with Richard Francis Bruce, who's the editor of Shawshank Redemption. And there's a section about high fidelity and there is something. Let me see if I can find it. There's a horror section, the evil dead, but I did see Blair Witch in here too. Amazing.

[00:11:04] I hadn't gotten to it yet, but so we can definitely pull some wonderful fun facts from there. Amazing. Well, thank you, John. That was such a sweet surprise. It is. It's really cool. And I think we'll definitely be referencing it, especially since there's a lot of movies in here that we cover. So definitely see it hold often like our new Bible. Yeah.

[00:11:33] So if you are a movie buff, like we are, you should definitely check it out. We'll put the link in our show notes. And thank you. Thank you. Thank you again. All the right movies. Thank you, John Baker for sending this. It's also with Luke Cardi, who helped write the book. So. Amazing. 25 iconic films. Well, are you ready to play a game? Sure. I'm not sure now. That was scary. Right?

[00:12:02] She keeps doing this. She knows this is my worst season. I didn't even make the scary voice. I know. I just asked you regular. It's still creeped me out. That's regular. I don't know. Right, John? Jerk face. Nice. So our game this week is keep filming or drop the camera. So I am going to explain or describe an experience and you're going to say if you're going to

[00:12:30] keep filming or if you're going to drop the camera and GTFO. So our first one, you hear children outside the tent at 3am. I'm filming. Cause I've seen, I've seen children of the corn. Yeah. Well, and I feel, I, not that a tent offers much like barrier between you and the giggling

[00:12:59] children, but I feel like it's something. And so I'm not going to run if I'm in my tent. Maybe they think I'm sleeping and I can't hear them. I need documentation. This is true too. Yeah. I feel like little kids laughing in the middle of the night is probably the scariest thing that could possibly happen. So I'm probably either freezing in place or I'm getting the hell out of there. I'm not looking for a camera. John, he's probably like, what is that?

[00:13:29] I'm not moving. And this is why, this is why the black coalition claims redheads. Cause they got that. Yeah, man. No way. You discover a fresh pile of rocks beside the campsite. I'm going to keep filming, but I'm not touching it. No, I'm going to make sure. Give it a wide berth. I, whoever built that. I don't, I, I respect your arts and I'm going to keep on tracking. Right. Recording, recording that.

[00:13:59] That's just fun. Yeah. Taking notes. This next one. We need a third option. Your friend admits they destroyed the map. I'm going to keep recording while one hand is. Sure. He, they're going to catch hands. Yeah. Especially because I'm directionally challenged. Right. Even with the map. So without a map. Ain't no way. There's no way. I'm, I'm closing that thing. There doesn't need to be record of what's about to happen.

[00:14:29] Nobody needs to, nobody needs to see this later. I don't know. He just face fell face down in the water and I've found him like. I beat his ass. Cause he said, he destroyed the map. And that your honor is why I beat the shit out of him. Hold my bag. Hold my bag. What about you find your missing friends belongings tied inside a bundle? I'm recording for evidence that this was found. Yeah.

[00:14:58] I, I did not place it there. I'm bounced. I'm out. What do you mean? Why? You don't want a bundle of my teeth? No. Absolutely. Oh my God. Oh my God. No teeth. Oh no. And I'd be like, and Lord, that's what she gave for watching all that damn Dexter. Now where's she at? You hear the missing friends screaming in the distance.

[00:15:29] Oh man. I'm not recording. I, I'm coming to get you. Yes. I'm going to be pissed the entire way through, but I'm not, I'm not, I'm not going to leave you. Your friend is going to wish that you didn't come out. But we're going to have to have a code because you ain't getting me switched up with some witch making it pretend like she stole your voice like Ursula and now I'm caught up.

[00:15:56] So you better say whatever our secret word is. Now you're standing in the corner like boo boo the fool. Yeah. What is our code? We're going to be. We're not putting on the podcast because this is how they get us. Oh, the witch goes into the electricity. Or she watched the podcast. I mean, Jackie. What are you imagining the old timey witch doesn't have Wi Fi. She got a phone.

[00:16:27] She watches. She has no more late fees just plash all over. Yeah. We just go into the basement and it's just our logo there. And like, she's been expecting us. Look, if the girl from the ring can come from the TV, anything is possible. It's true. What if we remade the ring, but it was like listening to a podcast instead is just like seven days. That's awesome.

[00:16:54] I think that would be a great reboot. That's true. Let's pitch it. We need money. You reach an abandoned house after days of walking in circles. I feel like I record that. I'd be recording that, I think. Yeah, I'm going to record. Yeah. But I don't, see, I don't feel right going in that house. I don't know nothing about that house. Why is it abandoned? Who's in there?

[00:17:24] Why is it a mansion? Why? Like, they walked forever in that house trying to find Josh. Yeah. And are there armadillos? I couldn't take the chance. Can you imagine? You hear Danielle, Danielle goes missing. You hear her screaming for you. And then you finally find her, freak the fuck out. And it's just, she's staring eye to eye with an armadillo. Why would you put that curse on me?

[00:17:53] What's with you and armadillos? No. She hates them. What about them? They're so cute. Oh! Oh! Mm-mm. Armadillo. Spaghetti. That's how it goes. That's the list. We saw a possum scuttling across the road the other day. I was like, can we keep him? Can I just keep it?

[00:18:22] They don't carry rabies, Danielle. I just want to keep... Don't give fun. When I tell you the belt that I will put to ask, if you come home and talk about... I've dealt with enough of the creatures, okay? With your pets. I love the cats. I dealt with that damn rat with the beady red eyes. Watching me from your closet as we went to sleep. It's a wrap, Jackie. Don't you bring no damn possum home. What about a raccoon?

[00:18:52] Fuck no. Look, do I appreciate that they're clean enough to wash their hands? Yes. But I don't like animals that are that smart. Why the fuck is this motherfucker washing his hands? He knows about germs. What's the next one? Your friend runs into the basement and stops responding. Girl, I'm recording my ass right to the popo or something. I'm not going down.

[00:19:21] There's not enough money to pay me to go in that basement. Especially when you know the lore of the children that the Blair Witch has captured. Why the hell he went to the basement? Yeah, if you're in the corner, you're on your own. Johnny? Yeah, no, I mean, we'll get there. It's not that they just went into the house and he went into the basement. They were walking through the house. They saw bloody handprints. No fucking way. No way.

[00:19:48] Jackie was screaming in the basement of this house with bloody handprints all over the wall. I love you, sis, but I'm not recording. I'm getting the fuck out of there. So Johnny, what if I was in the basement? I'd come for you, Danielle. Oh, we're going to have, we're going to do this. Like the text message I sent you and you said my favorite person and you.

[00:20:18] Really? Really? This is what we're going to do? I thought that was a very sweet message. Over there, kicking her feet, hee hee ha ha, as she said, that response. Well, I appreciated it, Danielle. Love you, Johnny. I love you too. What's our question for everyone, Danielle? What three items would you take into the Black Hills? A map.

[00:20:50] I was thinking like solar powered or like crank powered GPS. Like, I won't run out of battery. Right. You know? They had that back in the nineties, right? Sure. Are we putting ourselves in the nineties for this question? Sure. I'm putting myself now. Oh, okay. No. I mean, cell phone, three cell phones. This one dies. Two more to go. Satellite phone. Yeah.

[00:21:19] I'm taking myself to the therapist because there ain't no way I'm seeing to even go into the Black Hills. Just bringing your therapist with you. I'm taking myself. Take a map. I'll probably do a map. I'll probably do a map. Oh, shoot.

[00:21:45] A map, a tent and a knife. Huh. I'm taking a gun, bullets and a shirt that said, I wish a motherfucker would. And that's it. And I'm survived. I don't think you can shoot a spirit though. Watch me try. I've watched enough episodes of supernatural. I dipped them in holy water. I'll do whatever I got. Oh, okay. I had to have salt. Oh yeah.

[00:22:14] I was just going to say a canister of salt and I'll just like, take a few steps, draw that circle, take a few steps, draw that circle. I'd, I'd create shoes where they're just like salt rimmed. So I'm always in a circle. Oh yeah. Get a hula hoop. Yes. Not today Blair Witch. So obviously I'm bringing salt in a hula hoop.

[00:22:44] Oh yeah. I mean, if I'm going to go, if I'm going to go woo woo, then it's, it's definitely salt. I got my rocks and I get the charmed book with spells. Yes. I had that thought too. Like I need to bring in the incantations book to like the power of three compel you. Power of three can set us, set us free. Uh huh.

[00:23:13] Well, good job everyone. I think we are very prepared to go into the black Hills. Not, not at all. So now let's put Johnny back in the hot seat for his three employee picks. Let's see what movies he stocks on the shelves at blockbuster. So his previous selections are trick or treat the Rocky horror picture show. Freddie versus Jason, the faculty.

[00:23:43] 13 ghosts, alien resurrection, dumb and number, a night's tale in the house on haunted hill. So it's a lot of spooky stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to say evil dead. Evil dead is so good. I'm surprised it's not on the list already. This is the end. Yes. Yeah. This is the end. Just such a good. Sorry. I got really excited. Nothing to apologize for.

[00:24:14] Third one. Let's say Lord of the Rings, return of the King. Mm hmm. The regular or the extended. Extended. There as a whole scene with the mouth of sorrow and then. Nice. That whole conversation. Yeah. Excellent. Well, very good picks. Thank you. Thank you. If you have your own picks, if you have different opinions, if you would drop the camera or run.

[00:24:44] What is it? No. Keep filming or drop the camera. Make sure you hit us up at no more late fees on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, threads and blue sky. And as always, be kind and rewind.